And my boyfriend’s in a band
He plays guitar while I sing Lou Reed
I've got feathers in my hair
I get high on hydroponic weed
i must confess
I must confess,
I'm addicted to this
Shove your kiss straight through my chest
I can't deny, I'd die without this
Make me feel like a God
Music, love and sex
(Adrenalize me)
I crave excess,
Turning wine into sweat dripping down my neck
I can't deny, I'd die without this
.
there was a time I wanted vengeance
but staying mad and hurt makes no sense
I've even thought about forgiveness
to let it go without regrets
.
you be the prey and I'll be the predator
I want it all
I can't be tamed, I'm a cold blood killer
with you I'm an animal
so gimme hard, gimme loud, gimme passionate
show me your animal
so gimme raw, gimme rough, gimme all of it
show me your animal
I'm the one that you need and fear
Now that you're hooked, it's all becoming clear
That all your judgments that you placed on me
Was a reflection of discovery
So maybe next time when you cast your stones
From the shadows of the dark unknown
You will crawl up from your hiding place
Take a look in the mirror
See the truth in your face
Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin'
I've been trying to make it home
Got to make it before too long
I can't take this very much longer
I'm stranded in the sleet and rain
Don't think I'm ever gonna make it home again
The mornin' sun is risin'
It's kissing the day
.
Press my nose up, to the glass around your heart
I should've known I was weaker from the start,
You'll build your walls and I will play my bloody part
.
The pull on my flesh was just too strong
Stifled the choice and the air in my lungs
Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie
'Cause when I opened my body I breathe in a lie
But oh my heart, was flawed I knew my weakness
So hold my hand consign me not to darkness
I can take the road and I can fuck it all away
But in this twilight, our choices seal our fate
.
Spare me your judgements and spare me your dreams
Cause recently mine have been tearing my seams
I sit alone in this winter clarity which clouds my mind
.
So I hit my low, but little did I know that would not be the end,
From the holland road well I rose and I rose, and I paid less time,
To your callous mind, and I wished you well as you cut me down, you cut me down,
But I'll still believe though there's cracks you'll see,
When I'm on my knees I'll still believe,
And when I've hit the ground, neither lost nor found,
If you'll believe in me I'll still believe
.
I'm feelin' electric tonight
Cruising down the coast goin' 'bout 99
Got my bad baby by my heavenly side
I know if I go, I'll die happy tonight
.
I am a poor, wayfaring stranger
Traveling through this world alone
And there's no sickness, toil or danger
In that bright land to which I go
And I'm going there to see my mother
And I'm going there no more to roam
And I'm only going over Jordan
And I'm only going over home now
'Cause lately I've been waking up alone
Give me love like never before,
'Cause lately I've been craving more,
And it's been a while but I still feel the same,
Maybe I should let you go,
You know I'll fight my corner,
And that tonight I'll call ya,
After my blood is drowning in alcohol,
No, I just wanna hold ya.
Give a little time to me or burn this out,
We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,
All I want is the taste that your lips allow
.
You ain't worth the blood
That runs in your veins.
Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul.
And I hope that you die
And your death'll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I'll stand over your grave
'Til I'm sure that you're dead.
.
You took my heart and you held it in your mouth
And with a word all my love came rushing out
And every whisper, it's the worst,
Emptied out by a single word
There is a hollow in me now
Delicate in every way but one
I don't ever think about death
It's alright if you do, it's fine
We gladiate but I guess we're really fighting ourselves
Roughing up our minds so we're ready when the kill time comes
Wide awake in bed, words in my brain,
"Secretly you love this do you even wanna go free?"
Let me in the ring, I'll show you what that big word means
.
If this is to end in fire
Then we should all burn together
Watch the flames climb high into the night
Calling out for the rope
Stand by and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side high
.
It's been a couple weeks, we have barely spoken and any communicating is contrived and strange. I have given up, if he doesn't want to speak to me why should I speak to him? Any courage that I gained from the beginning of this relationship I have lost completely. I can't help but think, how is this fair? I actually risked my feelings for this person and where was my reward? Finally I am the one who tried my hardest to make it work, and I end up the one alone. Any hope that I have left for love is almost gone. Friends keep telling me that one day I'll find someone. Some how I don't believe it. Not everyone falls in love, not everyone gets married, who is to say that it'll ever happen for me? I was once told that if I want it to happen for me it will. But how can it when I try so hard to make it happen and it still doesn't?
I'm trying to remain confident and hopeful because the idea of love is all that keeps me going, I'm holding onto the idea of love being bigger than anything in the whole world and that it will completely change my life. But at the same time the thought of it barely slipping out of my grasp hurts so badly. Love to me is like a double edged sword and I am constantly wondering if it is worth it.
What hurts the most was being so close.
To wake up and not having you text me "good morning :)" stings. The fact that we're in a time and place where there are far more important things to us than each other, unbelievably sucks but we both know it's for the better..but why does it hurt so much even though i know there are more good things that come out of this?I wish i didn't get to talk to you about a future together, I wish i didn't say "i love you". I wish i didn't feel this way ever with you because it hurts to know that you felt the same way and we can't be because of these circumstances. I'm going to be really jealous on who your next girlfriend is going to be because i want to be the one next to you. My mind's just saying that you'll find somebody new and my heart aches because the possibility of it being true is so high. this is why i don't wanna live, why i'm so scared to love because there seems to be reasons why they don't work and i just get exhausted from all the tears and frustration and only to build my confidence just to have it broken down. I wanna keep trying and trying, but i'm too tired.
Sometimes, I just wanna know if i'm going to be alone or am i going to be with somebody?
because i'm tired, i'm so tired
the big move, or am i going backwards?
soo...
an actual blogpost where im writing about myself?
not really. just wanted to let everyone know that im planning to move to scotland in june
(or before that if housing goes as planned, fingers crossed)
i will be updating my blog more frequently once i've moved. with stuff i do, or stuff im not doing.
will also be updating with pictures from my adventures, mostly for friends and family to see!
ps, i've had this blog since 2009, how silly is that?
leaving you with a brilliant song by the beautiful Lorde
.
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So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
It isn't easy for me to let it go
Cause I've swallowed every single word
And every whisper, every sigh
Eats away this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me now
.
I can't go on with a holocaust about to happen
Seeing you laughing another time
You'll never know why your face has haunted me
My very soul has to bleed this time
Another hole in the wall of my inner defenses
Leaving me breathless, the reason I know
.
i wanna be drunk when i wake up
on the right side of the wrong bed
and never an excuse i made up
tell you the truth i hate
what didn't kill me
it never made me stronger at all.
love will scar your make-up,lip sticks to me
so now i maybe lean back there
i'm sat here wishing i was sober
i know i'll never hold you like i use to.
but a house gets cold when you cut the heating
without you to hold i'll be freezing
can't rely on my heart to beat in
cause you take parts of it every evening
take words out of my mouth just from breathing
replace with phrases like when you're leaving me.
should i, should i?
maybe i'll get drunk again
i'll be drunk again
i'll be drunk again
to feel a little love
The shape of sleepy music
Today, you'll make me say
that i somehow have changed
today, you'll look into my eyes
i'm just not the same
to be any more that all i am
would be a lie
only yesterday was the time of our lives
i can imagine beeing about 40, and looking for him again, and turning up he's settled and he's got a beautiful wife and some beautiful kids and im still on my own
- adele
just memories i dont want to forget
I remember last summer, you and me driving aimlessly on those english country roads.
windows down with cheesy music as background noise, laughing at nothing at all.
I've never felt happiness so real, and never before had i felt so utterly in love with you as in that moment.
I also remember the first time i met you, at heathrow airport.
I was so shy that when i saw you i hid behind a pillar for a couple of minutes before i could find the courage to walk up to you. I knew id love you no matter how you looked irl, because you had already won me over with your amazing personality.
On the tube back to london, that was packed with people so we had to stand up.
You stood next to me, i kept trying to secretly look at you. but every time i did, i caught you looking at me.
I remember brushing my hand against yours on the night train back to your town, not knowing if i should take your hand in mine and i ended up just resting my hand awkwardly next to yours.
That first night..
But most of all i remember how you could make me laugh so much that my stomach hurt,
how safe i felt in your arms knowing that whatever happened in my life i would always have you.
How you always told me what you felt, regardless if it was good or bad.
How you could just burst out dancing in the middle of the street if you where happy.
I remember how i use to give you a quick kiss,
and you'd kiss me back and with that the biggest kissing-war was created.
the though of you making those kind of memories with someone else in the future makes me feel ill.
knowing that someone else makes you so happy you burst out dancing, or that she gets my kisses..
just come back, you are worth every mile between us
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