.

I'm feelin' electric tonight
Cruising down the coast goin' 'bout 99
Got my bad baby by my heavenly side
I know if I go, I'll die happy tonight


.


.

I am a poor, wayfaring stranger
Traveling through this world alone
And there's no sickness, toil or danger
In that bright land to which I go
And I'm going there to see my mother
And I'm going there no more to roam
And I'm only going over Jordan
And I'm only going over home now

.


'Cause lately I've been waking up alone


Give me love like never before,
'Cause lately I've been craving more,
And it's been a while but I still feel the same,
Maybe I should let you go,

You know I'll fight my corner,
And that tonight I'll call ya,
After my blood is drowning in alcohol,
No, I just wanna hold ya.

Give a little time to me or burn this out,
We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,
All I want is the taste that your lips allow

.


.






You ain't worth the blood
That runs in your veins.

Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul.

And I hope that you die
And your death'll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I'll stand over your grave
'Til I'm sure that you're dead.

.

You took my heart and you held it in your mouth
And with a word all my love came rushing out
And every whisper, it's the worst,
Emptied out by a single word
There is a hollow in me now


Delicate in every way but one




I don't ever think about death
It's alright if you do, it's fine
We gladiate but I guess we're really fighting ourselves
Roughing up our minds so we're ready when the kill time comes
Wide awake in bed, words in my brain, 
"Secretly you love this do you even wanna go free?"
Let me in the ring, I'll show you what that big word means

.





If this is to end in fire
Then we should all burn together
Watch the flames climb high into the night

Calling out for the rope
Stand by and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side high

.



It's been a couple weeks, we have barely spoken and any communicating is contrived and strange. I have given up, if he doesn't want to speak to me why should I speak to him? Any courage that I gained from the beginning of this relationship I have lost completely. I can't help but think, how is this fair? I actually risked my feelings for this person and where was my reward? Finally I am the one who tried my hardest to make it work, and I end up the one alone. Any hope that I have left for love is almost gone. Friends keep telling me that one day I'll find someone. Some how I don't believe it. Not everyone falls in love, not everyone gets married, who is to say that it'll ever happen for me? I was once told that if I want it to happen for me it will. But how can it when I try so hard to make it happen and it still doesn't?

I'm trying to remain confident and hopeful because the idea of love is all that keeps me going, I'm holding onto the idea of love being bigger than anything in the whole world and that it will completely change my life. But at the same time the thought of it barely slipping out of my grasp hurts so badly. Love to me is like a double edged sword and I am constantly wondering if it is worth it.

What hurts the most was being so close.




To wake up and not having you text me "good morning :)" stings. The fact that we're in a time and place where there are far more important things to us than each other, unbelievably sucks but we both know it's for the better..but why does it hurt so much even though i know there are more good things that come out of this?I wish i didn't get to talk to you about a future together, I wish i didn't say "i love you". I wish i didn't feel this way ever with you because it hurts to know that you felt the same way and we can't be because of these circumstances. I'm going to be really jealous on who your next girlfriend is going to be because i want to be the one next to you. My mind's just saying that you'll find somebody new and my heart aches because the possibility of it being true is so high. this is why i don't wanna live, why i'm so scared to love because there seems to be reasons why they don't work and i just get exhausted from all the tears and frustration and only to build my confidence just to have it broken down. I wanna keep trying and trying, but i'm too tired.
Sometimes, I just wanna know if i'm going to be alone or am i going to be with somebody? 
because i'm tired, i'm so tired


the big move, or am i going backwards?

soo...
an actual blogpost where im writing about myself?
 not really. just wanted to let everyone know that im planning to move to scotland in june 
(or before that if housing goes as planned, fingers crossed)
i will be updating my blog more frequently once i've moved. with stuff i do, or stuff im not doing.
will also be updating with pictures from my adventures, mostly for friends and family to see!


ps, i've had this blog since 2009, how silly is that?



leaving you with a brilliant song by the beautiful Lorde

.


So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing

It isn't easy for me to let it go
Cause I've swallowed every single word
And every whisper, every sigh
Eats away this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me now

.






I can't go on with a holocaust about to happen
Seeing you laughing another time
You'll never know why your face has haunted me
My very soul has to bleed this time
Another hole in the wall of my inner defenses
Leaving me breathless, the reason I know